One of the most common concerns I hear in my negotiation workshops is how to manage two seemingly conflicting objectives: on the one hand to push back, stand your ground, and otherwise negotiate hard; (read this primer on becoming a fearless negotiator) but on the other hand, to preserve the relationship, maintain open dialogue, and therefore not make the other person feel like the enemy. In most cases I’ve seen – salary negotiations, promotion requests, flexibility exceptions, etc. – people aren’t negotiating nearly hard enough to damage the relationship. If you’re worried about keeping things friendly, worry more about negotiating forcefully – my guess is that you’ll hold yourself back. Focus on your agenda, and assume that the other person will be OK. (I assure you that the recruiter, your boss, or whomever it is you’re negotiating with will be focused on their own agenda and not your feelings! If you’re still not convinced that you can negotiate hard but stay friendly, here are five specific strategies to use in your next negotiation:
Express gratitude
Thank you for the offer. Thank you for meeting with me. Thank you for taking the time. People like to be acknowledged, and by thanking the other person you acknowledge their contribution to this negotiation. The other person will feel appreciated, and you will seem more reasonable in their eyes. If the negotiation gets tense later, another ‘thank you’ (e.g., Thank you for your willingness to bat this point back and forth) can ease the tension.
Emphasize points of agreement
You both wouldn’t be negotiating if you both didn’t want a resolution. This is a key point of agreement to emphasize — you want the job, and the company wants to hire you; you like working here, and the boss wants to keep you. There are likely other points of agreement you can highlight – for example, in a job offer situation, you may be negotiating base but already like the bonus part of the offer or the benefits. Check off for the other person all the things you already agree with. This puts you both in a shared mindset, and reminds you both that you’re teammates, not adversaries. If the negotiation gets tense later on, refer back to any points of agreement made earlier — OK, so we are stuck on A and B. But we do agree on x, y, and z…
Paint a win-win picture
You are negotiating because you want to work together, and this shared future is better together than apart. Paint this win-win picture for the other person. Enumerate the benefits of you coming on board (or working in the newly promoted capacity or working flexibly, etc.). Remind the other person what’s in it for them. By emphasizing benefits to both of you, you create another point of agreement.
Choose curiosity over judgment
When you do get push back during the negotiation, choose curiosity over judgment by asking questions to learn more rather than reflexively pushing right back. So if your boss says, “No one gets promoted within their first year,” you might counter with, “Do you know how they selected one-year as the minimum?” Instead of an outright attack against the no-first-year policy, you first try to uncover more about it. At a minimum, your questions will buy you time to think. More importantly, you will learn more about what constraints the other person is dealing with so you can come up with a solution that works for both of you.
Listen more than you speak
Whether it’s by asking questions or just by staying silent, you want to let the other person talk. What the other person shares is valuable information for you. Allowing the other person to do more of the talking also puts them at ease, and they may be more inclined to acquiesce to you without you having to do anything. As the other person talks, they are also more likely to come up with suggestions. If you build on what they start, they’ll own it as their idea.
Advocating for yourself doesn’t automatically mean you’re in conflict with the other person. If you can listen more, ask questions and emphasize win-win, agreement and gratitude, the negotiation will be a conversation — amicable and not adversarial. You can still make your points and ask for what you want, while appearing reasonable, collaborative, and appreciative.
A version of this post originally appeared in my column for Forbes.com.
